I thought I was free. But isn’t that always the way?
Truth is, I’d been searching for days to find a forest worth hiding in; in these modern and varied Fairelands, that’s sometimes not the easiest brief. So many towns with only snatches of forest in them.
it took me thirty-seven years to meet the love of my life. Thirty-seven years that included two bad marriages, a shedload of choices that would be regrets if I kept a tally of things to regret (I used to), one child, one miscarriage (that I know of), reams of making excuses for whichever bad relationship partner I was with that often began with phrases like, ‘He’s not a bad person, really’, a sense of failure, helplessness, and worthlessness, which sadly sometimes manifested itself as ire, anger, and disrespect for people who would have loved me if I’d let them, and the fatalistic surety that my life was hollow and I was worthy of nothing better. I felt unequal to the world.
And then one year (2003), I got almost tricked into going to a party I didn’t think I wanted to go to, hosted by a member of my band with whom I’d had a disagreement (but whom I still loved very much), and I was standing there in this living room with which I was so familiar, surrounded by people who were part of my community, and feeling like a fraud for even being in the room, not to mention hating the clothes I was wearing and the body in side them.
I noticed recently that it was getting harder and harder to send messages from Faerie. I talked to Wulfrich about it, and he thinks this is because Gwyneth is becoming more and more a creature of Faerie and less and less a creature of the world from which she came. Her losing her humanity affects the whole Realm of Awenia, so it’s now harder to send messages from there. I started using the alchemical glyphs I’ve been using from Awenia here, but then realised I’m not needing them as much at the Faire.
It isn’t worth it to follow the Shining Throng around everywhere. At best, it’s tiresome, fun old dad jokes told in tandem by Queen Gwyneth, Nathaniel, Security Chief Wulfrich and First Officer Brán notwithstanding. And those are the high points.
At worst, I worry I’m becoming more like her. I noticed my eyes glowing yesterday.