Meet the Fairelands Sheriff’s Association: Commander Xavian Starsider

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Commander Xavian Starsider of the Fairelands Sheriff’s Association

Commander Xavian Starsider, the chief and leader and practically a demigod of the Fairelands Justice in the form of Fairelands Sheriff’s Association graciously took a moment to answer some questions from our ever-curious press. (Reading the interview is obligatory, on pain of being fined.) 

Commander Starsider, how did you become the Commander of the whole Tiny Pawlice Force?

I was formally sworn at by the Lords and Ladies of the Fairelands to uphold justice and decency across the realms. Excuse me, did I say sworn at? I meant sworn in. The less said about that the better.

How many years have the Tiny Sheriff’s Association pawliced the Fairelands? How exactly do they keep the Fairelands safe?

I became the first fulltime tiny member of Faireland Security back in 2012. By 2013, I’d risen to the ranks of commander and the entire security force was replaced with tinies. I wouldn’t say it was a coup but I wouldn’t say it wasn’t either!

My lads and lasses have a very important job to perform in maintaining the safety and sanctity of the Fairelands. There are some who say that what we do isn’t fair, to which I’d like to point out that this is not the Fair. This is the Faire. There is a silent ‘E’ in there. Just like us. We’re silent. But we’re always there. Silent but deadly.
Our main purpose is to watch out for threats and dangerous criminals in the Fairelands and subdue these vile fiends (sometimes, they actually are fiends!) and hold them until we feel they can safely be released on their own recogni…reconnicksauce?…reconaissance? Scratch that. Until we feel we’ve gotten everything that they’re worth.

How many officers do you have on the Fairelands pay roll? Do you recruit more?

Pay roll? My officers do their work on a volunteer basis, solely out of love for the job and bribe opportunities. Every year there’s a few fresh new faces on the force, so yes we do recruit from those we feel are up to the task. Some of my finest this year include Captains Blaize, Oldesoul, Cassie and Sergeants Lala and Linn.

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Commander Starsider, the Official Paddy Wagon and completely coincidental hoard of waffles.

What do you have to say about the accusations on corruption and rumors of confiscated catnip and waffles?

Well, corruption is such a bold word. There have long been accusations of the Faireland Sheriffs considering themselves to be above the law, but I’m here to state that this is not the case. All of my officers are at least three feet beneath the law! But corruption means so many things to so many people. I could ask how you define corruption, but ultimately it doesn’t matter how you define it, Sonya. I’m the Long Paw of the Law. Only my definition matters, and by my definition, I can assure you that one shouldn’t even suggest allegations of corruptions in our ranks. We have a cell block for people who do.

But in all seriousness, never think that the officers of the Faireland Sheriff’s Association do not get their just desserts. On the contrary, every Tuesday night is Just Desserts night down at the station. Cakes, pies, ice cream, fudge brownies! That’s all we’re allowed to have Tuesday nights. Just desserts!

Are dinkiecats truly evil and unstable, fining people just for fun?

It’s been said that having a black cat cross your path is bad luck. I can assure you that crossing a dinkie cat at all is worse. ‘Nuff said.

How can a visitor ensure they don’t break any regulations? What are good guidelines for Faire-fitting behaviour?

Well, most visitors probably will be breaking regulations. We have a lot of regulations. We have so many regulations, we don’t even have them all written down! So the question is what should a fine citizen of the Fairelands do when they’ve broken our regulations. We advise self-policing.

First, stop and consider your actions and how the Faireland Sheriff’s Association would look at them. Are you running from place to place? Speeding! Flying? Do you have a license? Standing around on the path? Well, that’s impeding traffic! These are just examples. If you suspect that your behavior is of questionable morality, do the right thing and fine yourself. Make payments immediately to the nearest donation kiosk.

Secondly, consider that someone may have seen you in this criminal behavior. This could compound matters, so you better pay a little extra on your fine.

Third, anyone who witnessed your crime should probably pay a fine too. After all nobody likes a snitch or a busybody!

Once all fines are paid, you can return to enjoying your day in the Fairelands, with our blessing.

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Faire Folk Suspects: no one is safe! – Picture by Alisaundra Andel

What is your favourite Faire memory? What gives you strength to continue your arduous task year after year?

Well, you might not expect it but it brings a smile to my face to see the good citizens of the Faire come together to the aid of the incarcerated at our Jail and Bail events. It shows a respect for our job and a willingness to participate in the legal process. In the end, we all win. If the citizens believe someone is truly innocent *scoffs*, who are we to keep them from putting their money where their mouh is? We’re happy to meet the will of the public. After all, we can always arrest these ne’er-do-wells the next year. Speaking of which, I have a pretty thick case file on one Alia Baroque. I think I’m going to need to pay him a visit today.

Is that waffle wrapped in fine tickets?

Of course not. That wouldn’t make any sense. Per regulation, these fine tickets are wrapped in waffles. They’d taste terrible with syrup otherwise. Okay. We’re done here. No more questions. Move along! Don’t make me get out my billy club!

Thank you, Commander Starsider, for your benevolent patience and protection of all the Faire Folk that pay the fare. It is, after all, only fair.

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Commander Starsider’s healthy morning exercise: swimming in a waffle mountain.
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